believe.

I believe that god has given me this kind of year because he knew i could handle it. i think it was so i learn from my mistakes and learn a bunch of new things. i do admit a lot has happened through out the year, good and bad. And i've learned so much! whether its with my family, friends, boys, anything. I could say that i have became a stronger better person. 

I seem to always have problems with family, i don't understand it either do i enjoy it..I HATE IT. Ever since i was a little kid, all i ever wanted was just the so called "perfect" family, but its not always happily ever after is it. Whatever I'm still young, and i believe that as i get older, one day everything will turn around and it'll all be okay. We'll all be okay. 

Today while i was taking a shower i heard this song i haven't heard in a long time "runaway love" and i realized that I'm very grateful that i have a church that i can call family, somewhere i can be transparent to the people around me, people i can call my brothers and sister. And so i thought if you can't be yourself at church with god, where can you be.. i sure don't know. So I'm so thankful that i have a place where I'm loved by people i can call my family. 

Oh and boys, well someone once told me that girls and guys are two totally different people. They will NEVER be able to understand each other, because they both go through different things, and i believe that. I mean you can know them so well, but that doesn't mean you totally understand them, you just never really know what they actually mean. And i think at my age they shouldn't really matter to you at all, its not like your going to get married with them, so what's the point of getting all worked up about it...right? Why should you sit on your couch eating a tub of ice cream, watching a movie and crying, just because of a boy. I mean i don't say that i won't ever be sad over something and i don't get the point either, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I'm lost and confused as well. Boys just give you mixed emotions and you just fuss and stress about it. But really it all ends in the end. And thats it, your left with the memories, so for now i want to take a break. Focus on church, school, family, friends, my life. And thats it. 

why

god, i just don't understand why this always happens to me. why i always have to go through this. this feeling this painful feeling. i feel like im dying. i cant take it anymore. im sick and tired of it all. at times i just dont want to live at all. i mean all i ever wanted was a family, and the only thing i have to my family is leaving. i dont know. i cant stand it here i just cant. why me, why..  

don't worry now.

sometimes its hard to say good-bye, even if you know you should. sometimes its hard to let go of something you loved so much. but if time comes then let it be, its probably telling you that its time. you can't hold on forever. cause in the end it'll just hurt more.. and the more you hurt the harder it is to move on. 

i look back all the time, and i miss it. i miss everything... you, him, it. even last night i was thinking and i hated it, sometimes i wish nothing ever happened so then i wouldn't have to be going through this, i wouldn't have to miss you. i remember everything but the image in my mind is slowly just fading away.. and what i hate the most is that you keep coming back and that makes me miss you, and i want it to all just go away. but when you trying what can i do but take that chance. but sometimes I'm scared because I'm afraid that if i let you back in i'll never be able to let go. and i don't want that. even now i can't let anyone else in my life and its because of you. and now I'm just scared of getting hurt again. you make all the guys seem like there horrible. if they do anything wrong it all comes back to you. but how come with you every things okay? how can you just sit there and be okay? i don't know... but i know one day i'll be okay. and i'll be able to love someone else again. but in all the bad things you made me strong and smarter. so thanks for all those talks. and ps a i think its time for you to let me go. i will always love you and you already know that. so go, go on and live your life and let me go. i belong here. 

any better than this.

i don't know what's going on in my life, its all too confusing. it's actually shocks me how we can talk like friends. i miss you at times. you always seem to surprise me in the most weirdest ways. even though it breaks my heart that we will never be like we used to because were better.. or at least we try.  i don't even know anymore. and until I'm fully over you, i don't think I'm ready to move on. what i love the most about you is that you always seem to be catching me when i fall. maybe the reason you always come back is because you know it's not right. all i can say is that it's a lot different now, we both changed. some good, some bad. 

p.s.: i still love you...<3

you just need to try.

in life if you want something you have to try. i always knew that but i never really took it in until today... 

so i was taking a nap, and then i suddenly woke up and thought it was the morning and that i had forgot to do all my homework. and oh geez i had a lot. and i knew i had to do it or else my grade would drop. but when i got up i realized it was still that same night. and i only slept for an hour. and so i ate dinner and sat and did my homework. which was surprise i did with out procrastinating.. but my mind actually was, so while i was doing my homework i thought of other stuff i didnt really look into. like the fact that boys are just boys. 

so like at school there's this guy and i thought he was pretty cute, but i really thought he was a freshman and since i would never date anyone younger than me. i just said whatever and forgot about everything. but then today i realized he was a senior and then someone said they were going to talk to him for me and stuff. and i said okay whatever. but then i realized that in a way i do want a boyfriend, but i want that type of guy i could be totally myself. and we can just act like really good friends. still joke around and everything but he's just yours. you know? ah maybe im just crazy. but who knows. thaaats it. i need to focus on my school right now.. real talk. 

peace love and chapsticks. 

xoxo, nina yoon <3

falling down.

it all just doesn't make sense to me, i never really cared about him like this before. i never really cared that we didn't again. but today when he walk through the doors, it felt like my heart sank. i felt like something big was missing inside me. i don't know what it is. i feel like i fell for him. but i don't want to. when he laugh it's just so cute! but I'm still scared what if i lost my chance, what if i never get to see him again, what if tonight god gave me what i always asked for, my one chance to see him so i could change everything. but i didn't take it, i just let it go. i feel heartbroken, i feel empty, i feel like I'm losing my head, i feel angry. sometimes i feel like i try so hard, but none of my efforts are important to anyone. I'm tired of trying to fix this friendship that never really happened. and yeah why do i try, if i know if i know in the end I'm just going to fall down. i don't know, at least i tried right?.... 

i thought it was all over, the guy drama... the son of the king is gone, and i was happy because even though i felt alone and sad at times, i was healed. but then tonight came. and i don't know what happened. oh god if you could just set me in the right path, the path i should go in. if you could only put my mind in the way you think it should be going. god i need you to help me! i just keep falling...