master cleanse.

tomorrow is my first day with the master cleanse.
i made the mixture today, and had a little taste.
it's so nasty. it doesn't even taste like lemonade.
my plan: to blog everyday about how i feel,
how much i drank and my cravings.
i decided to use my blogspot instead of tumblr
because i can go on during school.
well wish me luck! (:

pretending.

my dad told me to never cry unless someone was dead. well these days i feel like he'd dead when he just leaves like i will never know when he's going to come back. i hate it and sometimes i just cant take it anymore. it breaks my heart. i can't pretend to be happy while you not here, because its just not that fair that i can't live with my own parents. i'm not that happy and im trying to stay strong, i really am. but i don't know how long this can last.

fail.

i failed my permit test. i feel more than stupid. ugh how can i be so dumb. now i will never be able to take it again cause my dads leaving. and the worst part is that he is leaving. it hurts the most to say goodbye. why does he always come back for a few days and leave right when i need him the most. i hate living here. i wish i was older and lived on my own. life this moment sucks.

drivers permit.

YES! finally this day has come i am getting my drivers permit after school! Im kind of nervous for the test though, i don't want to fail. That would just be horrible! But after i get my permit i can take drivers ed probably in May. Well wish me luck!

school.

I hate school.

never say never.

I don't know when in life everything went wrong. From a far i had it all, my life was stable compacted. But now and days its a big mess. Everything is everywhere, kind of like my room. My clothes are always on the floor and i never seem to clean up anymore. I've been a mess for the pass couple of months. And as much as i tell my self todays the day I'm going to change, i never change. But when i woke up this morning, i felt crushed. And i realized that I chose to take this path in my life. And i believe that if i wanted to change that bad, i would of. And i don't know why i didn't want to. And this time I'm going to take the first step and fix my life. And yes i know everything wouldn't be so perfect. It's never going to be the same like it was before, but the least i can i do is try. Right? Cause i think the biggest failure in life is when you don't try and you just give up. Cause if you try you know that you gave you all and it just couldn't happen. So now what am i going to do? Well first I'm going to take a shower, then clean my room, and take the first step and fix my life. And then from there i'll just keep trying as long as I'm living I'm going to try.

Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

life..

how's life?..well currently it kinda sucks. why?. probably because i just don't feel right theses days.
I don't know where i am in life right now, i miss my family more than anything. Sometimes i feel like i have no family. I realized that family is the so much more important than anything else. And i do regret all those times i really didn't think so. And i wish my parents knew that i did love them, i really do but for some reason i just don't have the courage to tell them. There's so many things i wish they knew, but you know how you can't really tell your parents things because you don't want to upset them, maybe thats why i just can't tell mine. I don't know, i just wish they were around instead of two different states.
And on the other note, I'm just going through some frustrating times with myself friends and others. I don't know sometimes, you know i don't have the answers to all the questions, and sometimes i just don't know. I know i'm not perfect for that i have tons of flaws but i try and i'm always trying, and yes there are times where i want to just give up i really do, but i try not to. Im just trying to love myself with all my flaws, so i can love others. I'm trying.

okay?

I have decided that i want a change in my life, so i decided to take one step at a time to recover from anything, or just to think. Why do i want a change? Because Im sick of all this drama going. I miss my best friend, but more importantly i miss the family that i always wish i had. I'm still young, and i just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate waking up every morning sometimes, because i know when i wake up and walk out my room door.. there will be no one. Not my mom, not my dad, or my brother. No one. And I'm sick of being sad, or pretending every things okay. Because not everything is okay, and not everything will ever be okay. And i can't have everything in control all the time. But weirdly i think i'll be okay with it all. Because even if i feel like i have nobody i really do have somebody, and its God. He'll be there for me everyday 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


Kind of off note.
Few weeks ago or so i was looking through my memory box, basically a shoe box i keep all my memorable junk in. But while looking through i found my old diary from abut 5 or so years ago. I read through it too see what i used to write down like, and about mid way through i read something that i wrote, and it broke my heart in a way, it was sad. I mean after all these years there's one thing i still always write and its that i wish my dad was here because when he was around every thing was okay. And after all those years i still wish it was like that. My dad was my hero, someone i could look up to. But these days i don't know but i mean no matter what he'll still be my dad. And i will love him so

hakuna matata

not everything in life is fair. well nothings really fair. life has been so difficult lately. all the bad news going around. i've been so frustrated lately.. and i can say it has been very hard to deal with. but i believe with positive attitude things could change. i think that no matter what happens in the end it will all be okay. no matter how much pain you feel, in the very end of everything you'll be okay. my week has just about started, just yesterday i was loaded with horrible news, had the biggest headache, and just about everything was turning bad and as soon i woke up this morning there was more bad news, and i don't think it's quite over yet. but i think it'll all be okay. because it just came to me. all of a sudden i realized that in the end i will be okay because i have God with me all day everyday. and i know he doesn't want any of this happening and he's trying to make it better. God gives you the strength, so you can beat whatevers in your way, its just your choice if you want to use it or not.

hakuna matata <3

frustration.

These days I'm just so frustrated, with everything really. Family, friends, boyfriend. It's like everyone likes to make everything more complicated as it seems. The are many things i don't understand, and there are things i will never understand. Like for example, why people act the way they do. Or why people like to do bad things, even if they know its bad. But i think the answer to those questions are because it makes them happy. 

There are a lot of things people in this world do that i wouldn't completely agree on. During this past week, well starting friday actually. I realized that i should be very thankful for all the things i do have in my life. Well i don't mean i actually realized that i should be thankful, but i meant it like it came back to me to think about. I thought about everything i had, that people don't get to have. Things i get to know, that people don't. Things that make you a better person. I learned that if you never do anything bad, for one you really have nothing to worry about. And another is that you should always be thankful everyday for everything. And who should you thank? We all should thank God, for everything. 

But on the other note.. On my life bases. For one family, if i could want one thing it would be a family. I mean i know that i do have one, and sure i am thankful. But what do you have from a family whose never there, ever. Who can you call Dad when he's never here and you have to call him or text him to talk to him. And a Mom you can talk to once in a while, and the only think she thinks is that your just using her. What's a brother when you can't talk to them. What's a family when you can't even talk to one another. I hate it. I honestly do. If everything could change the way i would like to see it, is that my parents would be happy and that i would be close to them. and that my parents would get along cause that really bothers me, sometimes thats the only reason i hate to talk them cause they always put me in the middle. I don't really know. But i wish my family life would get better. 

Friends, well sometimes i just don't know who i could actually call my friends anymore. Guy friends there easy to get along with. Way more easier, well i guess thats if you were a girl. But honestly girl friends, it's just to complicating. It's because all girls make everything complicating and yes i know because i am one as well. Everyones stubborn and its just a fact. Earlier today i got asked a question.. who are your best friends. And most times i could answer that in less than a heart beat. But today it took me awhile to, i was pretty shocked myself. And it made me think.. everything has changed. Honestly in a way i do miss my best friends and yeah i would like to make that a change but at the same time i really don't care anymore. Because i know who i am, and i know what I'm doing. And yes i know that ever since i started dating my boyfriend that i've had no time. But that doesn't make any difference. Because if they really wanted to have time to hang out they would of asked, and not just always assume that I'm busy with him. And so yeah, if they go and make plans without me, its not like you can just go invite your self, right? Yeah and so i'll just wait.. and if it doesn't work out. Then its a good sign that they really weren't a good friend in the first place. 

Im making a change in my life. Im going to stop feeling sad for myself, because yeah so what i have a sucky life. I know in the end i'll be ok. And if Im not ok, then i guess its not the end. 

everlasting.

Sometimes i wonder why i live in the life i live, i don't understand why i've been chosen to live in this kind of life. is it supposed to make me a strong person, is it supposed to make me a smarter person. these things i just don't understand at times. maybe because I'm young and things all don't make sense to me. but then i do understand God made my life the way it was supposed to be, without any of my input or anything he made my life the way he knew it was supposed to be. So everyday I'm going to pray to him, and ask him for my purpose in life. What I'm supposed to be living for. Cause everyone in life, has a reason for living. Nobody lives for just no reason. Everyone has a reason. 

on the other note.. 

Tonight for the first time in my life, i had a talk with my brother and i realized so many things. besides my whole life is changing, i realized that everything is different now, and nothing ever will be the same. He told me things that made my thoughts more clear. We had a talk without arguing. And for the first time ever he told me that he loved me.... you know i really don't like it when people tell me they love me. It hurts actually..i don't understand why, but it just does. It makes me all sad and stuff. But what i hate the most is that, your parents, your grandparents, anyone you could trust before, you can't really. Or maybe its just me, i know that i can't trust anyone and that i can't depend on anyone. Thats why i learned that the only people i can depend on is God and myself. That's it. Life goes, you have to learn from everything thing that goes on, and then use it to move on. 

God gives you everlasting love. <3

Holidays

Today is christmas eve, i bet everyones excited for tomorrow. Me? Well not really, Christmas is just like another day. For me christmas used to be about spending time with your family, it was that one day out of 365 others days that your whole family got together and spent the whole day together. I cant remember one christmas i had like that. For once in my life, i would like one day were i could have a good christmas, but i know its not this year. But one day, it will happen i know it. 

Other than that i have no spirit in christmas, I'm just rather not in a good mood today. I don't know, there's just to much going on in my mind. Im getting sick, Im tired, I have to finish packing. Everything is so complicated. Hopefully, before this break ends everything will be okay. My wish for now is that this year i will have a good birthday. Usually i tend not to care anymore, cause birthdays are just a day were you just get older! But this year i turn 16. Woohoo right.. yeah hopefully that day doesn't end up being a bad one. Who knows..Happy Holidays. 

God is love<3 

insanely crazy.

Today i came home early from school, and i was going crazy.. why? Well i don't know really, honestly I'm still trying to find out myself. For some weird crazy reason i kind of wanted to just stop going to school, maybe just drop out. Then i started fussy and fighting with myself, maybe Im going completely insane.. who knows.

 But then i had a really good talk and realized that I'm a very strong person, but i always let little things get in my way and mess everything up. But this time I'm not going to, I'm putting my foot down and saying no. I really just need to focus on what's really important to me. Church, School, Family, Friends. And maybe other stuff but to me your not that important. And i don't want to struggle with your problems anymore, i know i say this all the time but i need to stop. I moved on and that's the way i want to stay. And next time even if they ask me, i would say i don't even know your name. And tomorrow i will be attending school for the whole day. lucky me! (: 

Everyone leaves...

I miss you so much! Each and everyday when i go home your not there, and either is he. I know I'm growing older and i should be okay. But i feel terrible every single day. I been even though sometimes i could be mad at them so much i still loved them. My whole life it was just me you and him. But now it'll never ever be the same. Thinking about it, its life and come to realize it today and think about it just now i'll never get that chance again. I guess everyone was right, you only get one chance in life and if you mess up your only chance you'll never get it back. And sometimes i feel like i messed it all up! And for my brother and my dad I love you guys very much, no matter how much i dislike you guys at times. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

I Don't Know Anymore

I don't know where i am anymore, I fell like I'm losing my head. Things seem more complicated than it sounds. I'm losing touch to my closest friends, i never wanted any of this to happen and for some weird reason i just don't seem to understand why that is. I want to go back in time where everything was alright. Or go forward in time to where everything works out. 

Honestly to say, sometimes in life i feel like I'm alone.  There's no one out there i could talk to. But then again maybe its just me. I'm tired of making excuses that I'm alright when I'm not, cause the truth is that I miss my parents by brother. I miss having a family. Its like every time i call my mom or my dad i end up crying, i hate it so much but as much as i feel so upset inside i have to let them know that I'm okay. 

I miss my best friends, i miss talking to them all the time. I miss spending every weekend with them, I miss always hanging out at the REC with them. Maybe its just high school and we're all supposed to go different ways, but i want it like no matter what way we go that we'll still be friends. Because i don't know how it'll be if we weren't friends. We've been friends for a couple of years now and you became one of my best friends, but some of these days i feel just so different. I don't know what to do, cause i feel like I'm trying... But then i feel like I'm failing... I don't know why. 

Sometimes i just want to scream, yell so loud that the whole world can hear me. Sometimes i want to cry and fill up a ocean. Sometimes i just want to get away with the world, but it keeps coming back at me. Life's hard, but no one ever said it was easy. I just want to be happy, but maybe thats to much to ask for. 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.-Helen Keller

Giving Thanks! <3

I know thanksgiving was yesterday, but i had no time yesterday so today since i have so much time I'm writing my thanks! Lets start... 

First off my wonderful PARENTS!

Well I'm very glad they had me otherwise i wouldn't be here. I'm thankful that even though there has been a lot going on lately and neither of them are here with me, they still try very hard. Nothings the same with out them, and even though i get mad at them at times for not working things out and I'm always in the middle of everything, i still love them very much! And I'm always thankful for my STEP-PARENTS, even though there not my very own parents there still my parents in one way or another. They both try hard and i appreciate that very much even though at times i don't show it. I love everyone them very much! <3

My weird annoying loving BROTHERS!

I can first off say it has been very different without both of them here, even though there really only my half brothers i don't think of them any different, they have both always been there and we've all been through the same things. I miss them both very much each and everyday. But I'm thankful that i can still talk to them and that no matter what they'll still be in my life. And I'm thankful that i have brothers and that my brothers are mine. 

My amazing COUSINS, AUNTS, UNLCES, GRANDPARENTS!

The rest of my amazing family, well lets see I'm very thankful that i have a caring, loving, wonderful family. There always there for me when i need them, they try hard to see me and i appreciate that. They all teach me to do good things and not bad, even though there are times where we could all me mad at each other i could never hate them, i love them all so much and miss them every single day as well. Sometimes i feel bad for not keeping in touch as much as they try, but I'm thankful that no matter what there still there for me! And I love them all! <3

Hmm, my awesome, super best friend JESERENE! 

Im very glad and thankful that i have a very awesome super best friend like her! There maybe many times where we could get annoyed of each other or mad, but in the end she's always there! She's always there for me, always willing to listen to what i have to say and even though when she tells me somethings bad and ask me not to do it and i do, she won't be mad at me forever and as long as I'm happy she'll be happy for me as well. She's funny, weird and she's my super best friend! (: And i l.o.v.e. her! <3

My also fantastic, caring, sister-ish, best friend ANAHI!

Well well Anahi is like a wonderful sister i never asked for, well actually i always wanted a sister and ended up with 4 brothers, maybe thats why god gave me an fantastic best friend whos like a sister to me! Im very thankful that she's in my life! No matter what we go through i know she's always there for me! Even though i feel as if right now in life somethings going wrong with us, but I'm pretty sure we can fix it. But other than that she's amazing and so caring. She is very nice and always so generous to others and even though sometimes i pick on her she doesn't hate me, and I'm very glad that she's in my life today! And i also L.O.V.E. her! <3

Oh the marvelous, outstanding GPC! 

Im very thankful that i go to GPC, i wouldn't want to be at any other church that this. Everyone in GPC is all like family to me, every single one of them. People there are so loving and caring. When I'm there i feel safe, loved, and cared for. All the youth are wonderful there like brothers and sisters to me! It's always so much fun hanging out with everyone there. The EM are also very amazing people, i never met such funny people, i love everyone at GPC. It's like no matter what they'll always be there for you in trouble times or in anytime. So I'm very very thankful that i have my church and the people in my church! I love them all very much! <3 

Even though this person goes to my church he's just spectacular, ALLEN!

This boy is like a brother to me, we've been friends for a long time and I'm very thankful that still today he's in my life, even though we do fight and argue about stupid things and get mad at each other at times. Were still really good friends! I can always tell him things, and make jokes with him as well. He has always been there for me, he saved my life when i almost fell off a cliff, and just always been there for me no matter what, he never left me in trouble times. He is a wonderful guy, a nice loving caring brother like friend! And i could say i love him as well! (:

Ooops I almost forgot about my fabulous, funny, weird, great friends, RECHIE & STEFAN!

Hahaha oh geez, I'm very thankful that these two guys are a part in my life. They make my schools days just so bright and cheerful! Even though sometimes one's a little weird, haha it's a joy to have them around. Even though we've just started to get close this year! There wonderful, there ALWAYS willing to listen to everything and anything. I love hanging out with them cause i always have a good time. They always know how to make someone laugh and its wonderful, i think my life might be a little boring without them, but i wouldn't have to worry cause there in my life now! And I'm very thankful! (:

There are a lot of others I'm thankful for! 

And if i didn't write about you, I'm sorry! 

But if your in my life, THANK YOU! 

dislike

The kind of people i dislike the most are the type of people who will judge and hate someone that they don't even know, and even more than that is people who don't know how to speak up especially speaking up for your friend. If you can call someone your friend you shouldn't let someone else start talking sh*t about them and you just sit there and just agree because thats just like a backstabber. Which could describe you. 

“i’m a slut because i’ll wear shorts and a tank top. I’m a bitch because i don’t let you push me around. I’m a liar because i won’t tell you everything. I’m stupid because sometimes i’m wrong. I’m ugly because my face isn’t perfect. I’m a whore because i like boys. I’m annoying because i’m not chill enough. I’m a loser because i’m not friends with your group. I’m fake because most of the time i’m happy. I’m weird because i’m not like you. I’m controlling because i get mad. Sometimes i’m clingy because i like being around people. I’m greedy because i like to be satisfied. I’m naive because i’m younger than you. I’m conceited because i’m proud of who i am. I’m rude because my manners aren’t perfect. i’m unappreciative because i don’t praise you. Don’t tell me who i am because i already know.”

And just for your information I ain't that easy. Guys may look at me and think that I fall fast but no, correct yourself. I'm much more complicated than you think and I won't let that go. I'm not playing hard to get but I won't lower my standards just cause you're kinda cute. Now who the heck do you think you are? You ain't gonna tie me down.

believe.

I believe that god has given me this kind of year because he knew i could handle it. i think it was so i learn from my mistakes and learn a bunch of new things. i do admit a lot has happened through out the year, good and bad. And i've learned so much! whether its with my family, friends, boys, anything. I could say that i have became a stronger better person. 

I seem to always have problems with family, i don't understand it either do i enjoy it..I HATE IT. Ever since i was a little kid, all i ever wanted was just the so called "perfect" family, but its not always happily ever after is it. Whatever I'm still young, and i believe that as i get older, one day everything will turn around and it'll all be okay. We'll all be okay. 

Today while i was taking a shower i heard this song i haven't heard in a long time "runaway love" and i realized that I'm very grateful that i have a church that i can call family, somewhere i can be transparent to the people around me, people i can call my brothers and sister. And so i thought if you can't be yourself at church with god, where can you be.. i sure don't know. So I'm so thankful that i have a place where I'm loved by people i can call my family. 

Oh and boys, well someone once told me that girls and guys are two totally different people. They will NEVER be able to understand each other, because they both go through different things, and i believe that. I mean you can know them so well, but that doesn't mean you totally understand them, you just never really know what they actually mean. And i think at my age they shouldn't really matter to you at all, its not like your going to get married with them, so what's the point of getting all worked up about it...right? Why should you sit on your couch eating a tub of ice cream, watching a movie and crying, just because of a boy. I mean i don't say that i won't ever be sad over something and i don't get the point either, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I'm lost and confused as well. Boys just give you mixed emotions and you just fuss and stress about it. But really it all ends in the end. And thats it, your left with the memories, so for now i want to take a break. Focus on church, school, family, friends, my life. And thats it. 

why

god, i just don't understand why this always happens to me. why i always have to go through this. this feeling this painful feeling. i feel like im dying. i cant take it anymore. im sick and tired of it all. at times i just dont want to live at all. i mean all i ever wanted was a family, and the only thing i have to my family is leaving. i dont know. i cant stand it here i just cant. why me, why..  

don't worry now.

sometimes its hard to say good-bye, even if you know you should. sometimes its hard to let go of something you loved so much. but if time comes then let it be, its probably telling you that its time. you can't hold on forever. cause in the end it'll just hurt more.. and the more you hurt the harder it is to move on. 

i look back all the time, and i miss it. i miss everything... you, him, it. even last night i was thinking and i hated it, sometimes i wish nothing ever happened so then i wouldn't have to be going through this, i wouldn't have to miss you. i remember everything but the image in my mind is slowly just fading away.. and what i hate the most is that you keep coming back and that makes me miss you, and i want it to all just go away. but when you trying what can i do but take that chance. but sometimes I'm scared because I'm afraid that if i let you back in i'll never be able to let go. and i don't want that. even now i can't let anyone else in my life and its because of you. and now I'm just scared of getting hurt again. you make all the guys seem like there horrible. if they do anything wrong it all comes back to you. but how come with you every things okay? how can you just sit there and be okay? i don't know... but i know one day i'll be okay. and i'll be able to love someone else again. but in all the bad things you made me strong and smarter. so thanks for all those talks. and ps a i think its time for you to let me go. i will always love you and you already know that. so go, go on and live your life and let me go. i belong here.