life..

how's life?..well currently it kinda sucks. why?. probably because i just don't feel right theses days.
I don't know where i am in life right now, i miss my family more than anything. Sometimes i feel like i have no family. I realized that family is the so much more important than anything else. And i do regret all those times i really didn't think so. And i wish my parents knew that i did love them, i really do but for some reason i just don't have the courage to tell them. There's so many things i wish they knew, but you know how you can't really tell your parents things because you don't want to upset them, maybe thats why i just can't tell mine. I don't know, i just wish they were around instead of two different states.
And on the other note, I'm just going through some frustrating times with myself friends and others. I don't know sometimes, you know i don't have the answers to all the questions, and sometimes i just don't know. I know i'm not perfect for that i have tons of flaws but i try and i'm always trying, and yes there are times where i want to just give up i really do, but i try not to. Im just trying to love myself with all my flaws, so i can love others. I'm trying.

okay?

I have decided that i want a change in my life, so i decided to take one step at a time to recover from anything, or just to think. Why do i want a change? Because Im sick of all this drama going. I miss my best friend, but more importantly i miss the family that i always wish i had. I'm still young, and i just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate waking up every morning sometimes, because i know when i wake up and walk out my room door.. there will be no one. Not my mom, not my dad, or my brother. No one. And I'm sick of being sad, or pretending every things okay. Because not everything is okay, and not everything will ever be okay. And i can't have everything in control all the time. But weirdly i think i'll be okay with it all. Because even if i feel like i have nobody i really do have somebody, and its God. He'll be there for me everyday 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


Kind of off note.
Few weeks ago or so i was looking through my memory box, basically a shoe box i keep all my memorable junk in. But while looking through i found my old diary from abut 5 or so years ago. I read through it too see what i used to write down like, and about mid way through i read something that i wrote, and it broke my heart in a way, it was sad. I mean after all these years there's one thing i still always write and its that i wish my dad was here because when he was around every thing was okay. And after all those years i still wish it was like that. My dad was my hero, someone i could look up to. But these days i don't know but i mean no matter what he'll still be my dad. And i will love him so