I Don't Know Anymore

I don't know where i am anymore, I fell like I'm losing my head. Things seem more complicated than it sounds. I'm losing touch to my closest friends, i never wanted any of this to happen and for some weird reason i just don't seem to understand why that is. I want to go back in time where everything was alright. Or go forward in time to where everything works out. 

Honestly to say, sometimes in life i feel like I'm alone.  There's no one out there i could talk to. But then again maybe its just me. I'm tired of making excuses that I'm alright when I'm not, cause the truth is that I miss my parents by brother. I miss having a family. Its like every time i call my mom or my dad i end up crying, i hate it so much but as much as i feel so upset inside i have to let them know that I'm okay. 

I miss my best friends, i miss talking to them all the time. I miss spending every weekend with them, I miss always hanging out at the REC with them. Maybe its just high school and we're all supposed to go different ways, but i want it like no matter what way we go that we'll still be friends. Because i don't know how it'll be if we weren't friends. We've been friends for a couple of years now and you became one of my best friends, but some of these days i feel just so different. I don't know what to do, cause i feel like I'm trying... But then i feel like I'm failing... I don't know why. 

Sometimes i just want to scream, yell so loud that the whole world can hear me. Sometimes i want to cry and fill up a ocean. Sometimes i just want to get away with the world, but it keeps coming back at me. Life's hard, but no one ever said it was easy. I just want to be happy, but maybe thats to much to ask for. 

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.-Helen Keller

Giving Thanks! <3

I know thanksgiving was yesterday, but i had no time yesterday so today since i have so much time I'm writing my thanks! Lets start... 

First off my wonderful PARENTS!

Well I'm very glad they had me otherwise i wouldn't be here. I'm thankful that even though there has been a lot going on lately and neither of them are here with me, they still try very hard. Nothings the same with out them, and even though i get mad at them at times for not working things out and I'm always in the middle of everything, i still love them very much! And I'm always thankful for my STEP-PARENTS, even though there not my very own parents there still my parents in one way or another. They both try hard and i appreciate that very much even though at times i don't show it. I love everyone them very much! <3

My weird annoying loving BROTHERS!

I can first off say it has been very different without both of them here, even though there really only my half brothers i don't think of them any different, they have both always been there and we've all been through the same things. I miss them both very much each and everyday. But I'm thankful that i can still talk to them and that no matter what they'll still be in my life. And I'm thankful that i have brothers and that my brothers are mine. 

My amazing COUSINS, AUNTS, UNLCES, GRANDPARENTS!

The rest of my amazing family, well lets see I'm very thankful that i have a caring, loving, wonderful family. There always there for me when i need them, they try hard to see me and i appreciate that. They all teach me to do good things and not bad, even though there are times where we could all me mad at each other i could never hate them, i love them all so much and miss them every single day as well. Sometimes i feel bad for not keeping in touch as much as they try, but I'm thankful that no matter what there still there for me! And I love them all! <3

Hmm, my awesome, super best friend JESERENE! 

Im very glad and thankful that i have a very awesome super best friend like her! There maybe many times where we could get annoyed of each other or mad, but in the end she's always there! She's always there for me, always willing to listen to what i have to say and even though when she tells me somethings bad and ask me not to do it and i do, she won't be mad at me forever and as long as I'm happy she'll be happy for me as well. She's funny, weird and she's my super best friend! (: And i l.o.v.e. her! <3

My also fantastic, caring, sister-ish, best friend ANAHI!

Well well Anahi is like a wonderful sister i never asked for, well actually i always wanted a sister and ended up with 4 brothers, maybe thats why god gave me an fantastic best friend whos like a sister to me! Im very thankful that she's in my life! No matter what we go through i know she's always there for me! Even though i feel as if right now in life somethings going wrong with us, but I'm pretty sure we can fix it. But other than that she's amazing and so caring. She is very nice and always so generous to others and even though sometimes i pick on her she doesn't hate me, and I'm very glad that she's in my life today! And i also L.O.V.E. her! <3

Oh the marvelous, outstanding GPC! 

Im very thankful that i go to GPC, i wouldn't want to be at any other church that this. Everyone in GPC is all like family to me, every single one of them. People there are so loving and caring. When I'm there i feel safe, loved, and cared for. All the youth are wonderful there like brothers and sisters to me! It's always so much fun hanging out with everyone there. The EM are also very amazing people, i never met such funny people, i love everyone at GPC. It's like no matter what they'll always be there for you in trouble times or in anytime. So I'm very very thankful that i have my church and the people in my church! I love them all very much! <3 

Even though this person goes to my church he's just spectacular, ALLEN!

This boy is like a brother to me, we've been friends for a long time and I'm very thankful that still today he's in my life, even though we do fight and argue about stupid things and get mad at each other at times. Were still really good friends! I can always tell him things, and make jokes with him as well. He has always been there for me, he saved my life when i almost fell off a cliff, and just always been there for me no matter what, he never left me in trouble times. He is a wonderful guy, a nice loving caring brother like friend! And i could say i love him as well! (:

Ooops I almost forgot about my fabulous, funny, weird, great friends, RECHIE & STEFAN!

Hahaha oh geez, I'm very thankful that these two guys are a part in my life. They make my schools days just so bright and cheerful! Even though sometimes one's a little weird, haha it's a joy to have them around. Even though we've just started to get close this year! There wonderful, there ALWAYS willing to listen to everything and anything. I love hanging out with them cause i always have a good time. They always know how to make someone laugh and its wonderful, i think my life might be a little boring without them, but i wouldn't have to worry cause there in my life now! And I'm very thankful! (:

There are a lot of others I'm thankful for! 

And if i didn't write about you, I'm sorry! 

But if your in my life, THANK YOU! 

dislike

The kind of people i dislike the most are the type of people who will judge and hate someone that they don't even know, and even more than that is people who don't know how to speak up especially speaking up for your friend. If you can call someone your friend you shouldn't let someone else start talking sh*t about them and you just sit there and just agree because thats just like a backstabber. Which could describe you. 

“i’m a slut because i’ll wear shorts and a tank top. I’m a bitch because i don’t let you push me around. I’m a liar because i won’t tell you everything. I’m stupid because sometimes i’m wrong. I’m ugly because my face isn’t perfect. I’m a whore because i like boys. I’m annoying because i’m not chill enough. I’m a loser because i’m not friends with your group. I’m fake because most of the time i’m happy. I’m weird because i’m not like you. I’m controlling because i get mad. Sometimes i’m clingy because i like being around people. I’m greedy because i like to be satisfied. I’m naive because i’m younger than you. I’m conceited because i’m proud of who i am. I’m rude because my manners aren’t perfect. i’m unappreciative because i don’t praise you. Don’t tell me who i am because i already know.”

And just for your information I ain't that easy. Guys may look at me and think that I fall fast but no, correct yourself. I'm much more complicated than you think and I won't let that go. I'm not playing hard to get but I won't lower my standards just cause you're kinda cute. Now who the heck do you think you are? You ain't gonna tie me down.

believe.

I believe that god has given me this kind of year because he knew i could handle it. i think it was so i learn from my mistakes and learn a bunch of new things. i do admit a lot has happened through out the year, good and bad. And i've learned so much! whether its with my family, friends, boys, anything. I could say that i have became a stronger better person. 

I seem to always have problems with family, i don't understand it either do i enjoy it..I HATE IT. Ever since i was a little kid, all i ever wanted was just the so called "perfect" family, but its not always happily ever after is it. Whatever I'm still young, and i believe that as i get older, one day everything will turn around and it'll all be okay. We'll all be okay. 

Today while i was taking a shower i heard this song i haven't heard in a long time "runaway love" and i realized that I'm very grateful that i have a church that i can call family, somewhere i can be transparent to the people around me, people i can call my brothers and sister. And so i thought if you can't be yourself at church with god, where can you be.. i sure don't know. So I'm so thankful that i have a place where I'm loved by people i can call my family. 

Oh and boys, well someone once told me that girls and guys are two totally different people. They will NEVER be able to understand each other, because they both go through different things, and i believe that. I mean you can know them so well, but that doesn't mean you totally understand them, you just never really know what they actually mean. And i think at my age they shouldn't really matter to you at all, its not like your going to get married with them, so what's the point of getting all worked up about it...right? Why should you sit on your couch eating a tub of ice cream, watching a movie and crying, just because of a boy. I mean i don't say that i won't ever be sad over something and i don't get the point either, I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. I'm lost and confused as well. Boys just give you mixed emotions and you just fuss and stress about it. But really it all ends in the end. And thats it, your left with the memories, so for now i want to take a break. Focus on church, school, family, friends, my life. And thats it. 

why

god, i just don't understand why this always happens to me. why i always have to go through this. this feeling this painful feeling. i feel like im dying. i cant take it anymore. im sick and tired of it all. at times i just dont want to live at all. i mean all i ever wanted was a family, and the only thing i have to my family is leaving. i dont know. i cant stand it here i just cant. why me, why..  

don't worry now.

sometimes its hard to say good-bye, even if you know you should. sometimes its hard to let go of something you loved so much. but if time comes then let it be, its probably telling you that its time. you can't hold on forever. cause in the end it'll just hurt more.. and the more you hurt the harder it is to move on. 

i look back all the time, and i miss it. i miss everything... you, him, it. even last night i was thinking and i hated it, sometimes i wish nothing ever happened so then i wouldn't have to be going through this, i wouldn't have to miss you. i remember everything but the image in my mind is slowly just fading away.. and what i hate the most is that you keep coming back and that makes me miss you, and i want it to all just go away. but when you trying what can i do but take that chance. but sometimes I'm scared because I'm afraid that if i let you back in i'll never be able to let go. and i don't want that. even now i can't let anyone else in my life and its because of you. and now I'm just scared of getting hurt again. you make all the guys seem like there horrible. if they do anything wrong it all comes back to you. but how come with you every things okay? how can you just sit there and be okay? i don't know... but i know one day i'll be okay. and i'll be able to love someone else again. but in all the bad things you made me strong and smarter. so thanks for all those talks. and ps a i think its time for you to let me go. i will always love you and you already know that. so go, go on and live your life and let me go. i belong here. 

any better than this.

i don't know what's going on in my life, its all too confusing. it's actually shocks me how we can talk like friends. i miss you at times. you always seem to surprise me in the most weirdest ways. even though it breaks my heart that we will never be like we used to because were better.. or at least we try.  i don't even know anymore. and until I'm fully over you, i don't think I'm ready to move on. what i love the most about you is that you always seem to be catching me when i fall. maybe the reason you always come back is because you know it's not right. all i can say is that it's a lot different now, we both changed. some good, some bad. 

p.s.: i still love you...<3