master cleanse.

tomorrow is my first day with the master cleanse.
i made the mixture today, and had a little taste.
it's so nasty. it doesn't even taste like lemonade.
my plan: to blog everyday about how i feel,
how much i drank and my cravings.
i decided to use my blogspot instead of tumblr
because i can go on during school.
well wish me luck! (:

pretending.

my dad told me to never cry unless someone was dead. well these days i feel like he'd dead when he just leaves like i will never know when he's going to come back. i hate it and sometimes i just cant take it anymore. it breaks my heart. i can't pretend to be happy while you not here, because its just not that fair that i can't live with my own parents. i'm not that happy and im trying to stay strong, i really am. but i don't know how long this can last.

fail.

i failed my permit test. i feel more than stupid. ugh how can i be so dumb. now i will never be able to take it again cause my dads leaving. and the worst part is that he is leaving. it hurts the most to say goodbye. why does he always come back for a few days and leave right when i need him the most. i hate living here. i wish i was older and lived on my own. life this moment sucks.

drivers permit.

YES! finally this day has come i am getting my drivers permit after school! Im kind of nervous for the test though, i don't want to fail. That would just be horrible! But after i get my permit i can take drivers ed probably in May. Well wish me luck!

school.

I hate school.

never say never.

I don't know when in life everything went wrong. From a far i had it all, my life was stable compacted. But now and days its a big mess. Everything is everywhere, kind of like my room. My clothes are always on the floor and i never seem to clean up anymore. I've been a mess for the pass couple of months. And as much as i tell my self todays the day I'm going to change, i never change. But when i woke up this morning, i felt crushed. And i realized that I chose to take this path in my life. And i believe that if i wanted to change that bad, i would of. And i don't know why i didn't want to. And this time I'm going to take the first step and fix my life. And yes i know everything wouldn't be so perfect. It's never going to be the same like it was before, but the least i can i do is try. Right? Cause i think the biggest failure in life is when you don't try and you just give up. Cause if you try you know that you gave you all and it just couldn't happen. So now what am i going to do? Well first I'm going to take a shower, then clean my room, and take the first step and fix my life. And then from there i'll just keep trying as long as I'm living I'm going to try.

Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.

life..

how's life?..well currently it kinda sucks. why?. probably because i just don't feel right theses days.
I don't know where i am in life right now, i miss my family more than anything. Sometimes i feel like i have no family. I realized that family is the so much more important than anything else. And i do regret all those times i really didn't think so. And i wish my parents knew that i did love them, i really do but for some reason i just don't have the courage to tell them. There's so many things i wish they knew, but you know how you can't really tell your parents things because you don't want to upset them, maybe thats why i just can't tell mine. I don't know, i just wish they were around instead of two different states.
And on the other note, I'm just going through some frustrating times with myself friends and others. I don't know sometimes, you know i don't have the answers to all the questions, and sometimes i just don't know. I know i'm not perfect for that i have tons of flaws but i try and i'm always trying, and yes there are times where i want to just give up i really do, but i try not to. Im just trying to love myself with all my flaws, so i can love others. I'm trying.

okay?

I have decided that i want a change in my life, so i decided to take one step at a time to recover from anything, or just to think. Why do i want a change? Because Im sick of all this drama going. I miss my best friend, but more importantly i miss the family that i always wish i had. I'm still young, and i just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate waking up every morning sometimes, because i know when i wake up and walk out my room door.. there will be no one. Not my mom, not my dad, or my brother. No one. And I'm sick of being sad, or pretending every things okay. Because not everything is okay, and not everything will ever be okay. And i can't have everything in control all the time. But weirdly i think i'll be okay with it all. Because even if i feel like i have nobody i really do have somebody, and its God. He'll be there for me everyday 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


Kind of off note.
Few weeks ago or so i was looking through my memory box, basically a shoe box i keep all my memorable junk in. But while looking through i found my old diary from abut 5 or so years ago. I read through it too see what i used to write down like, and about mid way through i read something that i wrote, and it broke my heart in a way, it was sad. I mean after all these years there's one thing i still always write and its that i wish my dad was here because when he was around every thing was okay. And after all those years i still wish it was like that. My dad was my hero, someone i could look up to. But these days i don't know but i mean no matter what he'll still be my dad. And i will love him so

hakuna matata

not everything in life is fair. well nothings really fair. life has been so difficult lately. all the bad news going around. i've been so frustrated lately.. and i can say it has been very hard to deal with. but i believe with positive attitude things could change. i think that no matter what happens in the end it will all be okay. no matter how much pain you feel, in the very end of everything you'll be okay. my week has just about started, just yesterday i was loaded with horrible news, had the biggest headache, and just about everything was turning bad and as soon i woke up this morning there was more bad news, and i don't think it's quite over yet. but i think it'll all be okay. because it just came to me. all of a sudden i realized that in the end i will be okay because i have God with me all day everyday. and i know he doesn't want any of this happening and he's trying to make it better. God gives you the strength, so you can beat whatevers in your way, its just your choice if you want to use it or not.

hakuna matata <3

frustration.

These days I'm just so frustrated, with everything really. Family, friends, boyfriend. It's like everyone likes to make everything more complicated as it seems. The are many things i don't understand, and there are things i will never understand. Like for example, why people act the way they do. Or why people like to do bad things, even if they know its bad. But i think the answer to those questions are because it makes them happy. 

There are a lot of things people in this world do that i wouldn't completely agree on. During this past week, well starting friday actually. I realized that i should be very thankful for all the things i do have in my life. Well i don't mean i actually realized that i should be thankful, but i meant it like it came back to me to think about. I thought about everything i had, that people don't get to have. Things i get to know, that people don't. Things that make you a better person. I learned that if you never do anything bad, for one you really have nothing to worry about. And another is that you should always be thankful everyday for everything. And who should you thank? We all should thank God, for everything. 

But on the other note.. On my life bases. For one family, if i could want one thing it would be a family. I mean i know that i do have one, and sure i am thankful. But what do you have from a family whose never there, ever. Who can you call Dad when he's never here and you have to call him or text him to talk to him. And a Mom you can talk to once in a while, and the only think she thinks is that your just using her. What's a brother when you can't talk to them. What's a family when you can't even talk to one another. I hate it. I honestly do. If everything could change the way i would like to see it, is that my parents would be happy and that i would be close to them. and that my parents would get along cause that really bothers me, sometimes thats the only reason i hate to talk them cause they always put me in the middle. I don't really know. But i wish my family life would get better. 

Friends, well sometimes i just don't know who i could actually call my friends anymore. Guy friends there easy to get along with. Way more easier, well i guess thats if you were a girl. But honestly girl friends, it's just to complicating. It's because all girls make everything complicating and yes i know because i am one as well. Everyones stubborn and its just a fact. Earlier today i got asked a question.. who are your best friends. And most times i could answer that in less than a heart beat. But today it took me awhile to, i was pretty shocked myself. And it made me think.. everything has changed. Honestly in a way i do miss my best friends and yeah i would like to make that a change but at the same time i really don't care anymore. Because i know who i am, and i know what I'm doing. And yes i know that ever since i started dating my boyfriend that i've had no time. But that doesn't make any difference. Because if they really wanted to have time to hang out they would of asked, and not just always assume that I'm busy with him. And so yeah, if they go and make plans without me, its not like you can just go invite your self, right? Yeah and so i'll just wait.. and if it doesn't work out. Then its a good sign that they really weren't a good friend in the first place. 

Im making a change in my life. Im going to stop feeling sad for myself, because yeah so what i have a sucky life. I know in the end i'll be ok. And if Im not ok, then i guess its not the end. 

everlasting.

Sometimes i wonder why i live in the life i live, i don't understand why i've been chosen to live in this kind of life. is it supposed to make me a strong person, is it supposed to make me a smarter person. these things i just don't understand at times. maybe because I'm young and things all don't make sense to me. but then i do understand God made my life the way it was supposed to be, without any of my input or anything he made my life the way he knew it was supposed to be. So everyday I'm going to pray to him, and ask him for my purpose in life. What I'm supposed to be living for. Cause everyone in life, has a reason for living. Nobody lives for just no reason. Everyone has a reason. 

on the other note.. 

Tonight for the first time in my life, i had a talk with my brother and i realized so many things. besides my whole life is changing, i realized that everything is different now, and nothing ever will be the same. He told me things that made my thoughts more clear. We had a talk without arguing. And for the first time ever he told me that he loved me.... you know i really don't like it when people tell me they love me. It hurts actually..i don't understand why, but it just does. It makes me all sad and stuff. But what i hate the most is that, your parents, your grandparents, anyone you could trust before, you can't really. Or maybe its just me, i know that i can't trust anyone and that i can't depend on anyone. Thats why i learned that the only people i can depend on is God and myself. That's it. Life goes, you have to learn from everything thing that goes on, and then use it to move on. 

God gives you everlasting love. <3